Inhale.
I can do hard things well.
Exhale.
Although I am tired, I have all I need to keep moving forward.
10/2024 9:29am
Grand Rising to Grieving Daughters
I just woke up — still have sadness in my eyes, sorrow in my airways, and grief in my chest. I am weepy, but tears only fall when I don’t ask them to.
He ain’t dead, but it feels a lot like I’m watching him die.
There may not be many things like a woman’s scorn, but there’s nothing quite like a woman’s grief either. We bear bones that ain’t ours, often. And when relationships die, we are left with no loving flesh or hope filled arteries.
No we are left with grief and despair.
Sunrises that we wish were sunsets. Long days wishing we were distant from the bodies forcing us to process this pain. I want my pain in peace, not pieces. I deactivated my socials, since grief ain’t pretty and there’s no way I can put a bow on a broken smile. There’s no way to act like I’m not mad as hell
like I ain’t bussing at the seams
like I ain’t try to save this relationship because it “meant something to me” Yet now I am left with pieces, fragmented memories, momentos I hope to burn soon, despair and a craving for cognitive dissonance because this would feel so much better if I was absent from my body and present with the Lord
Or distant from myself and who I know I was
Or if I loved less and didn’t break inside a little when I said I couldn’t accept his hugs because I was not ready.
My cup of trauma has overflowed, and although I’d love to be a safe space for you, letting you hide inside of me while you store lies inside of me, distorting my self image and the little bit of self respect I have for myself - I can’t do this no more.
And my ‘no’ and ‘no thank you’s’ sting like power drills to flesh during holidays like Halloween, and the ghosts from our past been haunting me and I hope it ends soon because this fall won’t be like the last and I won’t be hell bent on conjuring ways I can fall for you
Or make sense out of my mistakes of spiritual bypassing when I know I was just being a fool, and God ain’t put me through nothing I ain’t sign up for too. So I say grand rising to the daughters who are tired or mourning and suffering in silence , self harming in sex and so physical touch deprived that we’ll let them touch us even when we feel dead inside even when our words don’t match how we feel in our heart, even when we know we need a fresh start, even when the rising isn’t grand, I say grand rising because mourning ain’t never been no good to me and my sisters. Grand rising.
I quite literally have no expectations for how this poem I wrote in October 2024 will land in February 2025, or whenever you find yourself reading this blog post; but I hope it lands softly. Poetry is my way of making material out of a world filled with feelings, theories, and hypotheticals laced in reality. I find myself, in a month filled with Black History, Love, and transgenerational hope, still forced to process the pain of the past. Now ain't that about a ... 😅 Let me get my bearings...
Inhale.
I can do hard things well.
Exhale.
Although I am tired, I have all I need to keep moving forward.
I reread this poem, and found hope again. I couldn't muster up a smile then, and now peace and joy are the standard. Yes, I have tough days, but I've found ways to get through them without allowing them to go through me. I think that's the beauty of growth, time, and intention. I found myself getting grounded again after a wild 6-12 months of feeling like my life circumstances were actively uprooting the little bit of roots I was able to drop down. I can't say heartbreak or loss is easy; but it'll make you better if you allow it to.
A major part of getting grounded again is remembering WHO you are and WHO's you are.
For example, "I am A'Leeyah Ponder, daughter, sister, friend, lover, created and creative." - "I belong to God, the Divine, and hold beloved belonging amongst my family and friends."
Now.. Your turn:
I am ________________I belong to __________I am LOVED. Affirmations can be small, but mighty reminders that you are better equipped to face the challenged placed before you than you may believe.
Another grounding practice I'd recommend is journaling.
Journaling can help your mental health by reducing stress and anxiety, while providing you with a safe and brave space to release the energy you've trapped inside of your body. Your feelings don't deserve to be tucked away somewhere in your mind, heart, nor any other organ. You, your body, and spirit deserve to free up some space for the good on the way by processing and releasing the darkness (i.e. hurt, pain, loss, trauma, unforgiveness, hate, etc.) within. Journaling looks different for different folks. So, although journaling in a physical journal works best for me, you may gravitate towards audio journaling or doing video diaries to process and release the tension held inside – do whatever works for you love!
Getting, Being, and Remaining grounded is a process; and this process looks different in every season depending on the circumstances we're faced with. Nonetheless, know that if you were grounded, stable, at peace, and filled with joy in one season, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!
In the face of life's challenges, know that all is not lost. You have more power and control than you may think. What is occupying our thoughts, what is occupying our energy, what is taking up our time, can all contribute to the ways we navigate the world around us. I mean, honestly, I have a fair share of things I could be bogged down by and stressed out about right now – rent, the future of the Department of Education, natural disasters, and loss of relationship(s); but excessive stress, suppression of emotions, and worry would only bring harm to my body, mind and spirit. If you find yourself, like me, needing to be grounded again, remember WHO and WHO'S you are, and lean all the way into your resources (i.e. journaling, breathe work, prayer, meditation, and reading). You got this!
I love you. Jesus loves you most.
Be you. Be loved. Be healed & Set free from the burden of unprocessed pain.
You are not alone.
With love,
Miss A'Leeyah Ponder
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